I was reading a Dear Abbey sort of thing where this girl was saying she loves having sex with her boyfriend but she always has her clothes on. And she wonders why this terrifies her. The answer was someone in the past made her feel ashamed of her body.
So really, I never thought of that. And in the past...there's been quiet a few people. My mother could never seem to say anything nice about the way I looked, at least that I can remember. I can't remember her saying I looked nice. If I wore something like a miniskirt, I would get the worst comment or look from her. Or if I wore something she didn't like she'd say it looked like hell, really nastily and tell me to go put something else on. She also wasn't a great role model because she too hated her body. She hid.
My former husband was more underhanded. He broke me down slowly. I know that we're all in control of ourselves, but seriously, when you're that young, the verbal abuse takes it's toll very slowly. You get beaten down mentally over time and think what he says is true. He would say I was crazy. He'd say I needed help while smiling. I'd wake up with his dick in my face. From a dead sleep to a dick in my face. That just doesn't seem right. Maybe there are couples out there that are ok with that. They have that planned or something. But I remember waking up to him jamming his little dick in from behind while I was sleeping. I couldn't watch TV without him wanting me to rub him or suck him off. Anytime I was bent over, he was grabbing my ass.
Now that wasn't the verbal abuse. Verbal abuse is saying "...the best job you could ever get is flipping burgers for the rest of your life..." My dad was so thrilled when I got a really good job with really good benefits. Dad had faith in me and was glad that this was sticking it to dickhead.
The verbal abuse was him saying sometimes he'd be relieved if I were dead. He said that once. And that as the end of it for me. It felt like my heart were being ripped out of my chest and after that, I didnt' care anymore. He always complained about the sex. Always. He always whined about something. I wanted it one way, he wanted it another. If I were trying to get myself off, he would get really bored if I didn't orgasm sooner.
He wasn't the cause of my insecurity, but being in that relationship didn't help. Growing up with my mom didn't help it. I dunno. I can't think of an incident that happened that made me this way. Although it's totally possible that I have a repressed memory somewhere in there. I totally believe that happens. Happened during my divorce.
I'm really wierd about having my clit being played with by anyone else other than myself. My legs get stiff and I can frequently be heard saying "Don't hurt me" or "Be gentle". Although probably for the first time in my life, I trust a man to experiment with my pussy because I fully trust that he won't hurt me. I felt that way from the beginning. He would touch me or finger fuck me and I just let him without fear. That's never happened before. Whatever problems I have with him, I do totally trust him. That's kind of a strange feeling. It freaks me out in a huge way sometimes. But I trust him enough to be a little more....vigorous? with my clit, more than I've ever allowed anyone to be. Before there were certain things I just didn't want people to do.
When he goes down on me, I am practically climbing the walls, but not out of fear. I can relax my legs whereas before with anyone prior to him, I would be nervous and really, just scared.
Anyway, I may copy and post this one on prostituee just so he doesn't get an idea to go looking for a new one.
Re: Smoke smell. Dani suggested putting vinegar bowls around for the smoke smell and that definetly helped. Our landlord gave us a print out he got somewhere about getting the smoke smell out and the first thing it said was "Put small bowls of vinegar around the house..." It also said to mix lemon juice, baking soda in warm water and wipe down the walls. I opted for a spray bottle and put in about 2 tbls. of baking soda, dumped in a little lemon juice and mixed hot water in it. Sprayed down the walls and I looked at the popcorn style ceiling and sprayed that as well. And the woodwork. That has helped too. I think the dude did a lot of the smoking in the living room area. Scary thing is I think he had kids. Or they. We got a call from the school. They were updating our info and the computer said someone else was living at our address. I told them it was probably the previous tenants. And then, if Brier's calling, they obviously had kids. Feel bad for the kids. I mean, smoke outside. Sure as hell doesn't make you a bad parent if you smoke. But exposing them to that much smoking isn't good at all. The smoke smell is so strong...can you imagine? BLAH BLAH BLAH! I'm tired. Sorry.