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Mental. Real Mental

2004-03-18 at 10:18 a.m.

I keep reading about doing a strip-tease for your boyfriend/partner/spouse and what a turn on it is for them.

Somehow, I just can't imagine me stripping off my sweatshirt, jeans, underwear and bra, gyrating my hips. I know, if I did it, I'd be wearing something a little better than that. But I can't see myself ever doing this and it being a turn on. I'd end up looking like Elaine from "Sei*nfeld" dancing. That awful, geriatric, my-hips-gave-out-I-have-just-slipped-a-disk-in-my-back dance. Of course, if I see myself this way, then I will never do it.

Dancing is my worst fear. I hate dancing. I think to much about it and cannot do it. I hate it. Hate it. So tell me why is it I hate it so much?

I have many theories. But I just hate it.

I don't hate many thing in life either.

See, I think guys would rather see someone like Pa*mela Anderson stripping clothes off than a mother of 3 with stretch marks, saggy boobs and a not-very-flat-tummy. There's fantasy, then reality. That's just my take on it.

I must be getting close to my period because I feel really fat and bloated and more insecure than ever.

I'm not feeling like I'm very sexually appealing. That part sucks because I love sex. I like the part that leads up to sex. Kissing, pulling clothes off, feeling his body, sucking his cock. I love pulling him over on me and him actually FINDING my vagina. A man who knows where it is. And doesn't miss. A missed entry can hurt. He doesn't have to use his hands all the time. I love the during. Sometimes he pushes himself up on his arms and gets a good rhythym going. I also like it when I have my feet on his shoulders because it seems to go in deep that way. I love after, lying around with my legs over his or my head on his chest. Or sitting on top of him pretending I can hold him down when really without much effort, he can toss me off and pin me down.

So this is all well and good, but when I'm feeling sexually unappealing, I feel less adventerous and I need to knock this shit off. I want to. I'm trying. The negativity pops up and attacks when I least expect it. It's easy to fall and start going down that path. For me. I'm obsessed sometimes. Or it feels like. Wearing baggy clothes to hide. Long sleeves. A cardigan to go over the shirt. To hide my hideous body. I get out of the shower and immediately put clothes on so I don't have to look at myself naked. More and more these days I force myself to blow dry my hair naked and get used to looking at my body. And not say negative things about it.

I know in this world there are lots of people ready to make negative comments about me, so why do it to myself right?

Who is this insecure?

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