Wow JerrBear, that was really nice of you to say. And all the other commenters.
I don't know what I can do about it. I just know I'm in a bad frame of mind right now. IT'S ALL ABOUT ME...at least in here.
So when someone is feeling absolutely shitty about how he/she looks, the very last thing I would ever do is start in about a hot babe, male or female. Like I'm feeling like shit and he tells me he was feeling grungy and not his best and there was this hot babe and basically he felt underdressed and should have been a little more prepared- (this is obviously not word for word, this is the gist of it...)
I didn't let him finish. Because I know where it's headed. I get to hear all about the hot babe for weeks and why the fuck does someone do this in the midst of my bad time? The only thing I can think is it's done on fucking purpose. Why does this happen? I am probably at rock bottom, at least self image-wise at this very moment. No one could be more disgusting than me. I walk upstairs and see my reflection in the glass and want to starve myself for weeks and weeks. I want to puke up my last weeks worth of food. All I can feel is how big my ass it, how flat my stomach isn't and how my thighs are huge. I don't know why I'm so fucking focused on this right now. It's not about the weight. I could be a lot lighter and still feel exactly the same way.
I don't know how he feels about my body as I have not heard about it lately. Which says to me it's getting old. I'm not what's doing it for him right now. I did get to hear about hot babe. I just want to cry and I don't have the energy. I'm really on the verge, but I did that two nights ago for an hour or so. I wake up puffy. And that's ok, aside from having to see my mom first thing in the morning.
So fuck. If this isn't boring, what is?
I feel so locked in. I don't say what I want for fear of being made fun of or shot down. I want to cover and hide my body. Hey, what's so wrong with muslim women attire anyway? Because it's repressed. I'm repressed and I'm sick of it. I want to break out of this and I just can't get it right. I'm so angry. At myself for letting him get to me like that.