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Sex talk? Be Demure!

2004-03-17 at 11:28 p.m.

**Disclaimer. The following entry is more than likely based on my perception and is not based on fact. But I'm a woman so I can wig out.

You know, I wasn't afraid to talk dirty, until I felt he was making fun of me. A couple of times I would email him a fantasy or something I thought he would like and he shot it down or said something that made me feel incredibley (<--sp?) stupid.

Or something like, "Gosh, you're not feeling shy, are you" To me it was like saying: "hmm, can't believe you think this is turning me on." Or "you should be a little more demure, you talking dirty is a real turn-off."

I feel generally pretty limitless when it comes to sex. I like talking dirty and saying exactly what's on my mind when it comes to sex. If I'm fantasizing about a threesome, I'll tell him about it.

It does take me a while to feel comfortable with the other person seeing my body, but when that hurdle is over with, I'm uninhibited for the most part. When I feel stupid about something I've said, I think it transfers then to the bed. I feel insecure about myself and what I'm doing. I don't feel demure. I have no mystery. I feel gross and disgusting and insecure.

I love sex and being naked with him. But lately I've just felt plain dumb. Ugly fucking body.

"Don't say anything, you're a dirty girl and you'll ruin the moment. You shouldn't talk that way, you don't have that thing that turns him on." That's my head talking.

So yeah. It's all mind games. I am trying not to ruin myself with hating myself. I'm not that bad. But I'm starting to feel dumb during sex and that's the place where I like to let go. I like talking about it. I like talking about fantasies. I want him to fuck me and talk to me and moan and shit and be attracted to me. I think he is...it's just that ...I don't know. Just feeling stupid.

That's the gist of it.

Gotta go to bed.

So I just now figured out why I am not really doing that lately.

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